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Andy Dwyer Made a Movie: The Brainless and Breathtaking ‘Jurassic World’

by on June 12, 2015


“Jurassic World” is an aggressively dumb movie.

The characters are hardly even worthy of the word ‘character’, as most of them are just clichéd, one-dimensional archetypes. ‘Cardboard box with a face on it’ may be a better description for most of them.

There were not many lines of dialogue that didn’t make me stop and think, ‘wait a minute, no one in their right mind would ever say or do that.’ I’d like to go back and count the number of times the characters decided to do something intensely stupid during the course of the movie, but I’m afraid our current number system may not be designed to count that high. I want to give an example of some of these ludicrous decisions, but I’m worried I might descend into madness and unleash a 4,000-word diatribe of illogicalness and insanity.

Let me just give you two:

1) This world exists in a universe where the first “Jurassic Park” movie totally did happen! And yet someone (or even multiple people!) decided that it would be a fantastic idea to open another park full of genetically modified dinosaurs. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.

2) Somehow, over the course of like 20 years, people have gotten sick and tired of seeing LIVING, BREATHING, WALKING DINOSAURS. So, evil mad scientist B.D. Wong decides to create mutant dinosaurs that are part-Tyrannosaurus Rex, part-War Boy, part-Godzilla and who knows what else so that people can see “bigger, cooler and scarier” attractions. He even refuses to tell people what genes he used to create his Frankensauruses for seemingly no logical reason whatsoever.*

*He won’t even tell the owner of the park! The man who writes his checks can’t know what genes are in his creations? Why?!

I mean, really, the list could go on and on when discussing the senseless things that happen in this movie. (Did I mention Wilson Fisk from “Daredevil” shows up trying to weaponize velociraptors to use in human warfare?)

But do you want to know something crazy?


I really, really enjoyed this movie. For one thing, it is kind of fun to laugh at all of the viciously foolish things that happen in this movie. More importantly, though, I knew what I was going to see. I didn’t show up because I wanted to see some kind of emotionally complex story.* I came to see dinosaurs kill people! And be dinosaurs! The same reasons anyone would actually go to the park, I imagine. And let me tell you this: Those things happen.

*The movie reminds you of this almost instantly, when you are introduced to the most annoying 10-year-old ever (“It’s 36 minutes to the airport! Maybe 60 with traffic! Gosh Mom, you are so stupid! Maybe if we get stuck in traffic, I can tell you every strand of DNA that is in every dinosaur!”) and his “high school-age” brother, who fulfills every character trait of the quiet loner kid within 25 seconds of the movie starting, yet also has girls literally staring at him wherever he goes (because he’s soooo cool…and he has a dark side!). I was personally pretty excited when, ten minutes into the movie, I realized that I already wanted both of the kids to be eaten by dinosaurs.  

I won’t give away the big action set pieces of the movie, but there are some fantastic moments. I found myself clapping like a little kid and laughing like a mad man several times. People die in hilarious, extreme ways that you could never imagine and knowing their deaths are coming somehow makes it more entertaining. There are quite a few “that guy’s a goner” moments that usually pay off in immensely satisfying ways. And oddly enough, there is almost something refreshing about how casually this movie kills people off. They don’t try to save everyone. They seem to realize that if you’re going to have a horrible disaster happen, many people are going to die. And if you’re going to kill hundreds of people in your movie, you might as well make their deaths cartoonish and fun.

People have mentioned this all over the interwebs, but director Colin Trevorrow really does seem to love the original “Jurassic Park” movie, and it’s evident throughout “Jurassic World”. There are plenty of fantastic callbacks and Easter eggs that even I recognized, and I haven’t seen the first film in a while. Trevorrow’s no Steven Spielberg, but he has a fairly deft handle on the movie’s bizarre tone.

Chris Pratt as Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin: Dinosaur Whisperer was also quite enjoyable, even though he failed to crack a smile the whole movie.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the effect of the iconic “Jurassic Park” score and this film’s take on it (courtesy of John Williams and Michael Giacchino). I’m no musical expert, but it seemed to me that the music helped keep the film’s tone in balance and keep me engaged when nothing particularly interesting may have been happening. I’m pretty sure this is how music is meant to be used in movies.

So, should you see it? I think you already know the answer to that question. If you’ve seen a “Jurassic Park” movie before and you know what you’re signing up for, you should enjoy this movie immensely. If you haven’t, well…you might be one of the first to go.

Because the dinosaurs have thermal radiation tracking ability now.

What does everybody else think?

Taylor Gaines can be contacted on Twitter @GainesTaylor.

From → Movie Reviews

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